The Conversation Crisis: Why We Can't Talk Anymore And How To Fix It - Undividing #10

Plus Do How To Stop Your Self-destructive Behaviours, and A Dutch Supermarket's "Slow Lanes."

Hello everyone and welcome to Undividing where we are reconnecting a divided world. Two pieces of Housekeeping to begin with:

Firstly, a very big hello to the 50 new Subscribers who found Undividing over the holidays. What a pleasure to welcome you all.

Undividing is a word that a friend came up with to describe what I’m doing here. Believe it or not, it doesn’t exist in English. But it needs a bigger word than just “reconnecting”; it’s about actively undividing the divisions we see in the world and ourselves.

My firm belief is that at the root of every division we see in the world today (wars, politics, health, famines, hypernormalization etc) is a division that’s caused by one group of people, deciding that another group of people are less human and therefore less deserving.

Undividing is a way to bring those extremes back together again. It’s a way of living.

Undividing is this newsletter every Tuesday, that tackles a division in the world, in ourselves, and an extra random undividing story I find out there.

The Emotions Diary is every Thursday. It’s a tool to really understand how we’re wired inside. As I always say, let the Emotions Diary explain you, to you. But more on that this Thursday.

Which brings me to a division in me that’s been going for months on end. Do I charge for Undividing or not? I’ve been debating it ever since that last pre-holiday issue.

Here’s where I landed: I’m trying to change the world in my own small way here on Undividing. And a paywall means a lot less people are able to find their home here.

So I made the decision to keep Undividing free - to undivide it for anyone who otherwise wouldn’t see the messages here, read them, absorb them, talk about them, and pass them one. Like you.

That said, the more financial support I get for this work, the more I can work on it.

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Would you like to buy me a coffee?

Undividing is my gift to the world. The biggest way you can pay me, and everyone, is by putting things you learn here into action in yourself and in the world.

That said, I would also appreciate your financial support to keep it going. A paid subscription is like buying me a coffee a month. And you get four Undividing newsletters and four Emotions Diaries. It’s a deal, it’s a steal.

Or if you just want to help out with buying me a single coffee, that would be amazing too. I take mine black, no sugar.

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In Undividing #10 this week we’re diving into:

• Undividing Our World - The Conversation Crisis - I keep saying we need to be in conversation again with each other. Readers have asked how the hell to do that - we’re going to solve this conversation crisis together. I’ll tell you how I do it.

• Undividing Ourselves - What Do You Need To Stop Doing? We all do things consciously and subconsciously to sabotage ourselves. Why you do it isn’t the right question to ask. I’ll share how through my divorce I learned to stop my destructive habits.

• Undividing Extras - Supermarket Slow Lanes - you thought your grocery store checkouts were slow… A Dutch chain has introduced “slow lanes” deliberately, but for a great reason.

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Undividing Our World: Why We Can’t Talk To Each Other Anymore - And How To Fix It.

When I was in high school, I was on the debate team. I absolutely loved being part of that team. For me, it was this vital practice of discussing and exploring the issues of the day.

While my team and I would prepare arguments, we also had to listen and refute the arguments of the other team. I was often surprised by the intelligence of an argument I hadn’t seen coming. You’d have to listen hard and then prep a response to counter it. By its very nature, debating involves deep listening.

But this was just a more formalised version of what we’d do in everyday life. Conversations were always being had in the schoolyard, in the classrooms, over the dinner tables.

Conversations used to be a space for exploration, understanding, and connection. Today, they’re boxing matches. Or mini-Survivor episodes. People retell “conversations” like they are something that you have to overcome with your POV intact. And since the other person didn’t agree with you 100% they’re an idiot. Whether it's an awkward holiday dinner, a tense workplace discussion, or a heated online exchange, many of us enter conversations prepping for conflict rather than seeking connection.

The result? We don’t talk about the most urgent things in our world because we’re all geared towards it ending up in a fight. We argue to win, not to learn.

Crazy fact—Studies show that 65% of people report feeling more anxious about face-to-face conversations than online ones. At work, at home, and in public spaces, everyone is walking on eggshells, afraid of combat or cancellation. We've lost the ability to listen, reflect, and respond with openness—and the price we’re paying is deeper and wider divisions.

So what happened? Let’s talk about it.

How We Got Here… And It Wasn’t Our Fault

The erosion of meaningful conversation didn't happen overnight. It's the result of several cultural, technological, and societal shifts that have taken place over the last three decades.

I did a dive from the 1990s (basically my life from my 20s onwards) to see what felt to me the most important changes, and how they’ve converged, that led us here to this conversational impasse.

The polarization of politics (1990s-2000s): It began with CNN creating the first 24 hour news cycle in 1980. That’s a lot of airtime to fill. So what started as a reporting of facts (albeit from a CNN POV) moved to a format heavily influenced by talk-radio: opinion, conjecture, hypotheticals. Media outlets and public figures began framing issues as "us vs. them." Nuance and complexity were replaced with soundbites and slogans designed to mobilize rather than inform.

This of course, changed discourse. And soon we started discussing people’s opinions and not the facts.

Matthew Taibbi is a journalist I love to read. He’s deliberately opaque about his political leanings, which makes sense as he serves T on everyone equally and brilliantly. But even someone I admire so much for his integrity wrote a book called Hate Inc where he writes about he himself was sucked into the prevailing hate factory writing of the times. Matthew left the corporate news world because of it.

News is a business, hate makes divisions, and division sells ad space.

The social media effect (2010s-present): The Almighty Algorithm model of driving engagement, amplifying divisive content and rewarding quick reactions over thoughtful responses has got us in a massive self destructive hole. According to a Pew Research study, 55% of users admit they frequently engage with content that angers them.

Anger became an essential part of the online appetite. Outrage was manufactured. And the comments section became a read in itself.

Also in here is the death of context. This in particular became the way news and soundbites became so hooky. Everything was reported in a way that stripped it of context and injected it with controversy.

Context is key. Dave Chapelle gave an address at his alma mater about his work. Love him or hate him, he did makes some salient points about context in his Netflix special “What’s In A Name,” and how his work is so often quoted without context—“A six foot rabbit shoots a man in the face with shotgun… then you find out later, that it was a Bugs Bunny cartoon.”

A culture of busyness: This is one not talked about much but I think is key. Somewhere in the 2010s busyness became a virtue. As our lives became more girl-boss, tiger-mom, lean-in, productivity-focused, deep conversations have been replaced by transactional exchanges. We didn’t have the time to make real connections.

Instead we would brag about how busy we were. Which is really just bragging about how much our employers were exploiting us, now I think about it.

But it also changed the volume of info that could go into the brain. Who has time for nuance, when a soundbite is so reductively delicious?

Fear of being cancelled: Identity politics and cancel culture has made us all hyper-wary of expressing opinions, fearing the social and/or professional repercussions if we say the wrong thing. Or someone says you did.

As such, just over 50% of people born in the late 90s say even when they disagree with their friend group, they don’t say anything lest they get cancelled. But silence isn’t peace, it’s surrender. Sadly, the more diverse looking a group of friends is, the less tolerance there is for opinions that don’t match the group’s.

Surprisingly, research suggests that the more educated someone is, regardless of age, the less likely they are to engage with opposing viewpoints, as they become more entrenched in their beliefs (Source: Greater Good Magazine).

But like I said in the subheading; this is not our fault. We got here, because we are products of our engineered environments—ones that divided us for profit, for leverage, and for not our benefit.

Our divisions are corporations’ business plans and profit centres. But I think we are smarter than that.

How We Can Change It - Giving Up Being Right And Start Listening Again

Now I’m going to take you through how I approach talking to folks that I don’t agree with on topics, to undivide an issue that’s featuring large in my world.

I start with this quote that I wrote one day (at least I think I wrote it because I can’t find it credited to anyone), “None of us have the truth, we all have a piece of it.”

Also, everyone’s opinion is valid in my books, because it exists. If I want to get closer to someone, I have to accept their POV if I want them to accept mine.

And the hardest thing often is to give up my addiction to being right.

Why do we love that so much? Well righteousness gives us a dopamine high. It’s a rush to be right. And we’ve been trained to hunt it at all costs by the last 30 years.

We’re junkies, high on our own and our group’s opinions. A drug called Opinium, if you will.

But being right is exhausting too. Brené Brown has this great quote in an article on her website.

Having to be the “knower” or always being right is heavy armor. It’s defensiveness, it’s posturing, and, worst of all, it’s a huge driver of bullshit. It’s also very common—most of us have some degree of knower in us. Unfortunately, needing to know everything is pretty miserable for the knowers and everyone around them. It leads to distrust, bad decisions, and unnecessary, unproductive conflict.

I’ll quote my grandmother too, “You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that ratio.”

Yes Grandma. She didn’t mince her words my dear Nanna Gladys. Still miss her.

Anyway, here’s how I approach talking with people I don’t agree with:

Listen. No, really listen: If I’m planning my next response while someone is speaking, I’m not listening. Focus on truly hearing their words. And I ask them to repeat things when I know I vaped out.

Photo by Kimia Zarifi on Unsplash

Ask follow-up questions: Were all talking but no one feels heard. I always reflect back to make sure I heard what they meant, not what I think they said (or why they said it) that aligns with any preconceived opinions I brought in.

Curiosity over cancellations: I approach conversations with the mindset that you might learn something new. Let go of the need to be the “knower” as Brené called it. Be an explorer on your ship, riding the sea of their thoughts. I can not agree with someone but still have empathy for why they think the way they do.

Politely disagree: We’ve confused disagreement with disrespect. When maybe I’m right. Maybe they are. Maybe we both are. Maybe you’re both wrong. The art of arguing isn’t about tearing someone down; it’s about finding truth together.

Slow down responses: In a world that demands instant reactions, take a moment before replying. A thoughtful pause can help de-escalate tension and lead to more meaningful exchanges. If I’m in contact with them in any way, I’ll often come back to them and say, “I was thinking about what we talked about last time.”

In A Nutshell

1. Reframe your intentions: Conversations aren’t about winning; they’re about finding truth together.

2. Ask open-ended questions: Instead of "Why do you think that?" try "What led you to that belief?" to foster a more open exchange. Let them talk.

3. Practice conversational "mirroring": Repeat back what someone said to confirm that you get it. When they feel they’re being heard, they’ll reveal more layers to how they arrived there. And so will you.

4. Don’t leave when it gets uncomfortable. The hardest part of communication isn’t speaking—it’s staying. Staying in discomfort, staying curious, staying open. Most people leave the moment it gets messy, but that’s where connection actually happens.

Why not challenge yourself to have lunch with someone this week who sees the world differently and focus on listening?

The next conversation you have could be an opportunity to change the way you talk—and listen—for the better. Everything takes practice, if your first attempt doesn’t pan out, keep going. You’ll get better at it.

Stronger communities, healthier workplaces, and more fulfilling personal connections are built one conversation at a time. By us. Even the people we don’t agree with.

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Undividing Ourselves: Argh! Why Do I Do This?

Nick Fancher for Unsplash

I used to ask myself this question a lot. When I’d find myself having done something self-destructive or self-sabotaging (that I’d sworn I’d never do again) I’d want to jump off a building I was so angry with myself.

But it was when I got into the work with the Emotions Diary that I started to actually get an answer that was more than me looking at myself in the mirror battling a rage of emotions.

The first time I asked “Why do I do ________?” in the Emotions Diary, its answer made me realise I hadn’t been asking the right question.

Its response was, “What you mean is, what do you get out of this? How is this serving you? What story is it reinforcing?”

I was amazed, because it was right.

My old habit of constantly forgetting my wallet - T.E.D. revealed it was an attention seeking thing I used to do with my parents when I was a kid and never let it go. I noticed that when I visited home, I’d lose my wallet in the first couple of days.

I started asking more Why Do I Do _____?s and my goodness, the stuff I found out.

One of my most useful discoveries was that I picked guys who my instinct told me would stand me up (you can almost always tell) to reinforce my undesirability myth that dated from insecurity about being gay. Remember: I came out in the 90s and it was a lot different back then.

So here’s a prompt for the Emotions Diary this week: Why do I do (insert limiting behaviour)? and let me know what you find out.

Here’s a link to last week’s Emotions Diary to help explain further.

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Undividing Extra: Dutch Supermarket Chain Jumbo Has Slow Lanes To Foster Connection

Introduced in 2021 as a post Covid initiative by the National Coalition against Solitude, part of the Dutch Ministry of Health, Welfare and Sport, the “Kletkassa” or chat checkouts have been a hit across Jumbo supermarkets worldwide.

Designed specifically for older people but open to all, Keltkassa let people connect and have a chat with a cashier as they get their groceries. As the CEO put it, “Everyone can do something to break the loneliness of others”.

In an age of self checkout lanes and curbside pickups, this is the simplest idea that’s building community, elder care, and gathering spaces in retail.

Personally, I’d like there to be these options in my hood as well. Some days I want to in and out, but other days I wouldn’t mind chatting to a cashier about you know, whatever.

Milk, bread, eggs, connection.

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Till the Emotions Diary on Thursday, big undividing hugs to you all,

Karl

How Cats Burned A Rainbow

As always I would love your support of my book, How To Burn A Rainbow. It’s won a Readers Favorite (Goodreads) and BIBA for LGBTQ+ memoir. Most importantly it’s cat approved. Here’s another of those adorable cat pics my friend Candice sent from South Africa.

You can pick a copy up from Jeff at the US Amazon store or from Ru Paul’s Allstora who now ship internationally. Or order one at your local bookstore. Or two; one for you and one for your favourite cat.