I feel fortunate to have come across your work today. I am heartened by what I’ve read so far which is something I’ve been longing for, especially these past few weeks. I appreciate the wisdom of this essay, and it gives me a lot to think about. Grateful, Rachel
For sure Rachel! I'm glad it landed with you. And I think you're the Rachel who took out a paid subscription too right? Thank you for that, I put it back into a subscription to Unsplash where I get most of my photos now. You helped make me look better ;)
This was a powerful read. Thank you Karl for sharing so openly. The way you reflect on ‘enemyfying’ really struck me, especially how easy it is to fill in the gaps with our own narratives instead of seeking real understanding.
‘As a friend, you are held to a higher standard’ , that line from Fred carries so much weight. It’s a reminder that the deeper the bond, the greater the responsibility.
Your self-awareness and willingness to unpack the past is inspiring.
This piece is a lesson in perspective, and I’ll be thinking about it for a long time.
Thank you mate. I’m really enjoying Substack as a place to put these thoughts down for folks to read and make their own. Despite what happened, Fred taught me a lot about friendship.
Thank you for this essay. I deeply resonate with the theme on a personal and macro level. Those people I’ve lost along the way were at times those transient friendships built on a connection of relevance in a particular moment of our lives. When we passed through the stage there wasn’t enough to hold us together. Admittedly, the parting could have been handled better on occasion.
I’m learning how to grow more defenselessness - to not cling to being right- which had most certainly thrown up echos of past transgressions in those separations which scar more deeply.
On the macro level I very much hear you and experience the hurt of the current discourse. My child is trans and only yesterday I was in Parliament speaking to MPs about the real life impact of current and proposed policies.
Personal stories do matter and the emotional impact was plain to see. How we turn that into action is the next part.
I really appreciate your openness and look forward to reading more. And you’ve given me an idea for part of my current book which very much covers the ideas of demonising and othering people different to ourselves or who those in positions of power would have us believe are not worthy.
Hi Jacqui, I love what you wrote about "growing more defencelessness" Like it's a skill that you can deploy when you need it. We think of someone defenceless as a person or group who need our protection. But I love that you've seen it as an asset. I've never heard that before.
As for your child, I know how hard it is the US. I have trans friends there. But here in Germany, all facets of transitioning are covered even by public health, so that people can actually choose what they want their transition to be. All options available. I say this only to let you know, it's possible for a society to be this way. Not that we don't have our issues here too. It's not perfect in Germany, but I love that this is so freely available.
I think making the effort to connect is a good thing in many kinds of situations. There's often a huge road block, though. Cognitive bias is near impossible to breach. Consider the professional deprogrammers brought in when someone is rescued from a cult. If someone has a completely different world view than you, they approach and receive everything from that perspective. They likely believe that you are misinformed, and feel sorry for you, you poor naive thing. They can't even get their head around the idea that there might be alternate ways to think about something.
I hear you. And I've met many folks like that who don't think I should exist. But if it's safe to do, I invite them to ask me anything about my life. I'm always suprised by the questions they ask, which tell me so much more about what they think about us. They leave knowing more. But the biggest thing is they leave knowing I'm a human.
My hope is that they are in a room I'll never be in, and say, well I met this gay guy once, and he seemed ok.
Just yesterday, I was having dinner with a friend, and as it does so much these days, the conversation turned to politics. Before I knew what had happened, fear, anger, and hate had taken over the conversation and that reality, that I was indulging in feelings of hate, hit me right between the eyes.
When I shared the revelation with my friend, we began to talk about how to think about others and show compassion when they seem just so darn mean (politically). She even brought up Nazi Germany and when friends turned friends into the government for "crimes" of love and compassion.
So, to come across this article this morning which so articulately expresses how I've been thinking lately, feels like a gift from the Universe.
You say, "Lots of us have people vested in having us as enemies for our gender, sexuality, religion, political views etc.This is a whole other macro level of enemyfying." My son and I were talking about this on Sunday. Showing compassion for people who clearly have been brainwashed or "drank the kool-aid" or whatever, is hard. It always feels like a one-sided conversation and when I think these thoughts, I feel very judgmental. And angry. UGH. So, I'm wrestling with this enemyfying.
I'm reminded of the words of MLK, Jr. "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Thank you Brenda for sharing this story. I think it's because so many people are afraid right now. That fear comes out as anger against anyone who doesn't believe the same idea of safety that they have. That their idea of safety is threatened by your choice.
I was at a Prop 8 rally years ago in SF where they had bussed in lots of people in their early 20s to protest against LGBTQ+ folks. I was lucky enough to find myself near a few of them and started having a chat. I opened with, "Do you know any LGBTQ+ people?" None of them did. So I said, I think if you knew us, you wouldn't be afraid of us.
It turned into a calm conversation next to a raging demonstration. The ones I talked to weren't bad people. I hope they left feeling the same way.
Thank you for sharing yourself in your writing. I am on my own personal inner journey. The inner landscape being explored must at times ask our friends to give us space and time to go inward. Its hard to ask for SELF love almost a foreign language. Selflove allows us to love others. The outward world for contemplative is too LOUD. It's in this moment writers like you and me must write. Walk our inner dog...i swim with my inner dolphins!! We each have a gift to offer thr is beautiful 🌎 world. PEACE and LOVE
This was a beautiful read for me this morning. It takes great courage to look into the face of our own social transgressions, as well as lovingkindness and empathy to understand the offended party's perspective.
You never have to have enemies, but you can’t change others. They may see many enemies, all those who are not totally loyal, regardless of their request. To be a yes man. If not, you are the enemy. You can succumb to his desires, be a yes man. You cannot appease an accult leader, unless you follow along with his cult, or he will destroy. He is a dangerous narcissist. You have to destroy him, destroy his world, his cult. Just like Hitler! And the Nazzi party,Christian Nationalism,Fascism,and White nationalism. You do not have to act like them,or become them to fight for your cause. “Smile when you say that”
I agree with you that there are dangerous forces at large in the world. I don't agree that destroying them is the answer. History is full of people who have tried to destroy others, only to fail, or destroy themselves in the process. I'm for the longer, harder road - connection. It destroys misunderstandings. And I don't have to like or agree with someone to get on with them.
I feel fortunate to have come across your work today. I am heartened by what I’ve read so far which is something I’ve been longing for, especially these past few weeks. I appreciate the wisdom of this essay, and it gives me a lot to think about. Grateful, Rachel
For sure Rachel! I'm glad it landed with you. And I think you're the Rachel who took out a paid subscription too right? Thank you for that, I put it back into a subscription to Unsplash where I get most of my photos now. You helped make me look better ;)
This was a powerful read. Thank you Karl for sharing so openly. The way you reflect on ‘enemyfying’ really struck me, especially how easy it is to fill in the gaps with our own narratives instead of seeking real understanding.
‘As a friend, you are held to a higher standard’ , that line from Fred carries so much weight. It’s a reminder that the deeper the bond, the greater the responsibility.
Your self-awareness and willingness to unpack the past is inspiring.
This piece is a lesson in perspective, and I’ll be thinking about it for a long time.
Thank you mate. I’m really enjoying Substack as a place to put these thoughts down for folks to read and make their own. Despite what happened, Fred taught me a lot about friendship.
Thank you for this essay. I deeply resonate with the theme on a personal and macro level. Those people I’ve lost along the way were at times those transient friendships built on a connection of relevance in a particular moment of our lives. When we passed through the stage there wasn’t enough to hold us together. Admittedly, the parting could have been handled better on occasion.
I’m learning how to grow more defenselessness - to not cling to being right- which had most certainly thrown up echos of past transgressions in those separations which scar more deeply.
On the macro level I very much hear you and experience the hurt of the current discourse. My child is trans and only yesterday I was in Parliament speaking to MPs about the real life impact of current and proposed policies.
Personal stories do matter and the emotional impact was plain to see. How we turn that into action is the next part.
I really appreciate your openness and look forward to reading more. And you’ve given me an idea for part of my current book which very much covers the ideas of demonising and othering people different to ourselves or who those in positions of power would have us believe are not worthy.
🙏🏻
Hi Jacqui, I love what you wrote about "growing more defencelessness" Like it's a skill that you can deploy when you need it. We think of someone defenceless as a person or group who need our protection. But I love that you've seen it as an asset. I've never heard that before.
As for your child, I know how hard it is the US. I have trans friends there. But here in Germany, all facets of transitioning are covered even by public health, so that people can actually choose what they want their transition to be. All options available. I say this only to let you know, it's possible for a society to be this way. Not that we don't have our issues here too. It's not perfect in Germany, but I love that this is so freely available.
Big hugs. K
Thank you. 🙏🏻 it’s hard to know where might be safe going forward.
On defencelessness, maybe I’ll write a post on it. I only recently learnt how to approach this but it’s very powerful.
I think making the effort to connect is a good thing in many kinds of situations. There's often a huge road block, though. Cognitive bias is near impossible to breach. Consider the professional deprogrammers brought in when someone is rescued from a cult. If someone has a completely different world view than you, they approach and receive everything from that perspective. They likely believe that you are misinformed, and feel sorry for you, you poor naive thing. They can't even get their head around the idea that there might be alternate ways to think about something.
I hear you. And I've met many folks like that who don't think I should exist. But if it's safe to do, I invite them to ask me anything about my life. I'm always suprised by the questions they ask, which tell me so much more about what they think about us. They leave knowing more. But the biggest thing is they leave knowing I'm a human.
My hope is that they are in a room I'll never be in, and say, well I met this gay guy once, and he seemed ok.
Just yesterday, I was having dinner with a friend, and as it does so much these days, the conversation turned to politics. Before I knew what had happened, fear, anger, and hate had taken over the conversation and that reality, that I was indulging in feelings of hate, hit me right between the eyes.
When I shared the revelation with my friend, we began to talk about how to think about others and show compassion when they seem just so darn mean (politically). She even brought up Nazi Germany and when friends turned friends into the government for "crimes" of love and compassion.
So, to come across this article this morning which so articulately expresses how I've been thinking lately, feels like a gift from the Universe.
You say, "Lots of us have people vested in having us as enemies for our gender, sexuality, religion, political views etc.This is a whole other macro level of enemyfying." My son and I were talking about this on Sunday. Showing compassion for people who clearly have been brainwashed or "drank the kool-aid" or whatever, is hard. It always feels like a one-sided conversation and when I think these thoughts, I feel very judgmental. And angry. UGH. So, I'm wrestling with this enemyfying.
I'm reminded of the words of MLK, Jr. "Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Brenda for sharing this story. I think it's because so many people are afraid right now. That fear comes out as anger against anyone who doesn't believe the same idea of safety that they have. That their idea of safety is threatened by your choice.
I was at a Prop 8 rally years ago in SF where they had bussed in lots of people in their early 20s to protest against LGBTQ+ folks. I was lucky enough to find myself near a few of them and started having a chat. I opened with, "Do you know any LGBTQ+ people?" None of them did. So I said, I think if you knew us, you wouldn't be afraid of us.
It turned into a calm conversation next to a raging demonstration. The ones I talked to weren't bad people. I hope they left feeling the same way.
Thank you for sharing yourself in your writing. I am on my own personal inner journey. The inner landscape being explored must at times ask our friends to give us space and time to go inward. Its hard to ask for SELF love almost a foreign language. Selflove allows us to love others. The outward world for contemplative is too LOUD. It's in this moment writers like you and me must write. Walk our inner dog...i swim with my inner dolphins!! We each have a gift to offer thr is beautiful 🌎 world. PEACE and LOVE
So true. And hike our inner wilderness.
This was a beautiful read for me this morning. It takes great courage to look into the face of our own social transgressions, as well as lovingkindness and empathy to understand the offended party's perspective.
Thank you Kate!
I also read Ministry for the Future. Excellent book with a great message and maybe some ideas on what we could do to actually save this planet.
Exactly. But as a reader you’re torn between the truth of the effectiveness, and the ethics and morals of it. It’s compelling. And brilliant.
I agree. It was a very thought provoking book.
You never have to have enemies, but you can’t change others. They may see many enemies, all those who are not totally loyal, regardless of their request. To be a yes man. If not, you are the enemy. You can succumb to his desires, be a yes man. You cannot appease an accult leader, unless you follow along with his cult, or he will destroy. He is a dangerous narcissist. You have to destroy him, destroy his world, his cult. Just like Hitler! And the Nazzi party,Christian Nationalism,Fascism,and White nationalism. You do not have to act like them,or become them to fight for your cause. “Smile when you say that”
I agree with you that there are dangerous forces at large in the world. I don't agree that destroying them is the answer. History is full of people who have tried to destroy others, only to fail, or destroy themselves in the process. I'm for the longer, harder road - connection. It destroys misunderstandings. And I don't have to like or agree with someone to get on with them.
Trump's Mind America's Soul by Dr Bandy X Lee
I'll have a read