Strangers Are The Best People We Know - Undividing #14
Plus Digesting Your Emotions, And The Opposite Of Doomscrolling.
Welcome to Undividing where we are reconnecting a divided world
Hey there everyone,
You're not going to believe this, but we just hit 10K subscribers Sunday night! Or maybe you can believe it, because I’m finding there’s so many of us out there who want to build bridges with each other.
I stayed up late here for it even. I screenshot 9,999 and then 10,001. I missed the 10,000th person. But hello, it’s nice to have you here.
Last week we talked about how the only way to destroy our enemies, is to find common ground. And I love what Jen Marie said about Doctor Who this week, a British sci-fi, time travelling show that’s been running for decades:
Science fiction is at its best when we use it to tell non-fiction truths.
In Notes, people also asked me where to begin Undividing. That they may not have a big friend group, some said they have no close friends. And others told me about how they are conflict averse. I get it, the friend and conflict muscles you build up over time. So here’s my recommendation about where to start.
With total strangers.
In Undividing #14 we’re diving into:
Undividing Our World - The magic of strangers: how we share, help, and heal with people we’ll never see again.
Undividing Ourselves - Instead of eating your feelings, I’ll explain how to digest your emotions.
Undividing Extras - We found the antidote to doomscrolling. And we should make it a word.
Let’s get undividing!
Undividing Our World: Stranger, No Danger.
Back in Undividing #5 I wrote about kindness as a currency. It’s something we can spend on ourselves and others. When I think about kindness, it often has the biggest impact on people who aren’t expecting it.
A total stranger is a blank canvas. We don’t know them at all. We of course make assumptions based on how they look, because we all have cognitive biases that hopefully we are aware of.
But helping strangers is something that our grandparents all taught us was a cornerstone of human decency. We’ve all helped strangers. We all know it feels good. And we’ve also all had strangers help us out, and know that that feels good too.
There’s always a smile in both directions.
Last week I stood up on a tram for a guy carrying two kids. And I held a door open for an elderly woman coming out of a department store. It never occurred to me once, to ask how they were going to vote in last Sunday’s election.
Or where they stood on the war in the Ukraine.
Or if they were anti-LGBTQ+.
In every instance, we were just two humans. One seeing that the other needed a hand and happily gave it.
And everyone who did me a kindness this week didn’t ask if I was an immigrant (which I am), if I followed their religion, or who I slept with.
The Stoic philosophers like Epictetus and Seneca wrote endlessly on kindness being a strength to make a more connected society.
Kyle Bryant’s article on Medium’s Better Humans talks about his surprise at reading Marcus Aurelius’s (aka Cleopatra’s squeeze) writings on it:
What surprised me… was how much Marcus Aurelius wrote about his duty to be sympathetic and helpful to others. The phrase “common good” appears dozens of times in Meditations.
Science even backs it up. The World Happiness Report (yes, there is such a thing) did a study on the physical and emotional benefits of doing good for the ones doing it, the beneficiaries, and even people who simply observe it.
But if you haven’t read philosophy, or don’t believe the science, that’s OK.
Believe dogs.
Dogs demand that we meet each other.
Anyone who’s read my book How To Burn A Rainbow, knows that I loved my little feline, Francine Fishpaw. I was her servant and happily so, wrapped around her little paw. But her list of people she liked was short: me, my ex, The End.
If you’ve had a dog though, you know that they love strangers so hard, they pee themselves.
Every time a dog goes crazy because it has to slobber kisses all over me, I always feel like I’m a good person. I mean, if this dog loves me, I must be doing something right. I can’t be completely awful, I’m dog-approved.
And again how many of us have met strangers because a dog has decided that’s what’s happening? My owner is awesome, you are awesome, OMG you guys are going to love each other! No dog ever connected two people based on their shared political views.
I started a thread on Valentines Day to ask folks where they had love in their lives, that wasn’t a partner. And over half the respondents talked about their pets, and in particular their dogs.
Makes sense. Owning dogs has incredible mental health benefits for the owners. And for any stranger they meet.
But if you don’t have a dog. No problem. You don’t even have to speak the same language as the strangers you meet.
The Italian Café. On the Beach. In Spain. Near Africa.
There’s a growing body of evidence to suggest that talking to strangers is incredibly beneficial to our health. And what we share matters too. There is sometimes a bizarre intimacy that happens with someone you don’t know, and may never see again. I’ve told strangers things I hadn’t told my best friends, sometimes as a way to just say it out loud without fear of judgement.
And I’m not alone. We’ve all had that taxi confessional. And it’s good for us. Language isn’t even a barrier.
During Lockdown 2 in 2021, I was hiding out on the Spanish island, Gran Canaria, just off the coast of Africa. As you can imagine, there was a crazy mix of folks there from all over the world.
Many Europeans and North Africans who’d made their homes and businesses there. Folks like myself who’d come for a week and never left since going home meant going into lockup.
And at the time, groups of refugees from Africa. Mostly men, who’d braved the seas and landed on the shores of the closest point to them that was technically Europe.
I sat in that café most days to write. And I get up early. In the mornings I’d talk with the refugee guys who were always working out in groups on the beach or on their phones learning Spanish. None of them spoke English, I spoke no Spanish or African language. But we’d talk about the waves, the weather, show each other photos of our families and friends.
But also our fears for the future, about Covid, and where we might end up living.
One morning I got there late, and there wasn’t a seat in the café to be had. But an older woman motioned to the spare seat she had at her table. And as we drank our coffees, we talked for an hour about life on the island, families, problems she had with her sister, what it’s like getting older.
She in Italian, and me in English. She’s the one that took that photo up there.
All I can tell you is that we all understood each other. Because at our core, we wanted to connect. And there is something in our DNA that leapfrogs all the potential barriers. We connect with something deeper than culture or language.
Pay it forward, don’t pay sh*t forward.
As a final act on this chat about undividing by connecting with strangers, every single act in the world can be a joy or a division.
We all know the phrase “Pay It Forward” whose technical name is prosocial behaviours. There’s real science behind how when we receive a kindness, we are highly likely to pass that on.
Same with negativity. When we have a crap interaction with someone, we almost look for the next soul we can dump that on. And as much as we love to tell stories of terrible actions real and imagined, foisted upon us by strangers, it’s the stories of random acts of kindness that light us up.
So every time we are out there in the world, and interacting only with strangers, we have an indisputable power to make the world feel less divided along our way.
My opinion is that that is a perfect place for all us to start. With the people we’ve never met.
Jump in the thread I started and tell us about a stranger who did you the greatest kindness.
Undividing Ourselves: Digesting Your Emotions
I’ve had many moments in my life where I've been paralysed by an emotion. A panic attack, a wave of anger, outright fear—emotions that stopped me functioning or made me too afraid of myself to act.
While the Emotion’s Diary has been an incredible tool for figuring out how I was wired inside, it was something I used more to breakdown my current life situation; not when I was drowning in an emotion somewhere and TED was back at the house.
Then I learned this technique a few years ago. It was taught to me in a course, I’ve used it often since then, and it always works.
When you feel an overwhelming emotion, close your eyes and allow it.
Describe out loud how it feels; where it is in your body, the shape, the colour, name the emotion, how it moves, the texture etc. Give it as much detail as you can.
Keep describing it. And as you do, it shrinks, changes colour, shape and position. Keep describing it until it’s completely gone.
Take a few breaths, and then return to the world.
It is literally digesting your emotions. This technique has been a lifesaver. I’ve even talked other people through their attacks just saying this list to them.
Hope it helps you like it’s helped me.
Undividing Extra: We Be Bloomscrolling!
One of the greatest things about being here on Substack is to be in a place where writers are actually writing. I love spending time here. I write and post. But also read and comment on the work of so many interesting people.
It’s the antithesis of doomscrolling. So I decided we needed a word for it— “Bloomscrolling” - the act of feeling inspired and uplifted by your feeds.
If you like it, restack it here.
Forgive my writer vanity, but I have always wanted to get a word in the dictionary. According to dictionary.com it must meet four criteria:
It has relatively widespread use.
It has a widely agreed-upon meaning.
It seems to have staying power—meaning it’s likely to be used for a long time.
And it will be useful for a general audience.
Can we make this a thing? A gift to the world from us.
Hope you enjoyed bloomscrolling Undividing #14!
There’s lot of ways you can support Undividing
If you like today’s post, like it ❤️
If you have a thought, comment 🗣️
And if you really love it, restack it! 🔄 - all the buttons are down below.
You can also Buy Me A Coffee. Black, no sugar please! I post you back a personal 30 sec video for any donation, any size. (Ignore the BMAC amount prompts, you can enter any amount)
Or if you’re getting a lot out of Undividing, buy me a coffee a month with a subscription.
You can also pick up a copy of my award-winning book How To Burn A Rainbow, the story of how my divorce set me off on a journey - a riches to rags rollercoaster from LA to Berlin where I had to lose it all to find myself. And yes, that’s me with Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat Pray Love fame, who I met and who blessed the book. She took that copy with her!
Till the Emotions Diary on Thursday… let’s move through this world undividing, and see what this planet can do.
Karl
During a particularly rough patch I walked my dog to a cafe and hung out there to allow time pass . A lovely employee gave water to my dog and a treat . Gave me coffee and a smile and a few kind words. She did this on numerous occasions.
Yesterday I returned after months of absence to let her know what it meant to me and how she connected everytime . I’m in a good place and was dressed and made up more attentively than she had ever seen me . She beamed when I thanked her .
I love bloomscrolling.