Undividing #4 - The Great Purple Middle, New Years In November, And A Good Guy In Tech.
A community of people undividing ourselves and our world.
Hey there all,
Winter is coming. That’s what the weather app is telling me. And maybe post election it’s feeling the same way for you. But I have a big thought I’d like to share on that.
Undividing our world: I get into what I’m calling The Great Purple Middle in the week after the elections in the US. But there’s something to be learned here wherever we live and vote in this world.
I’ve included a poll in there I’d love your vote on.
Undividing ourselves: I’m starting my New Year’s Resolutions now. And I’ll tell you how and why.
Undividing Extra: A guy I follow for tech advice and one you might want to as well.
And I’m happy to say that we’re opening with a new section Undividing With You with feedback from all of you—this week I got an email from a reader with a great insight that made me think more about something I wrote about.
And the Emotions Diary helped another reader have a breakthrough about her exes.
Undividing With You
Greg F wrote back with a great observation from the last Undividing—that pesky email inbox.
"I realised that my inbox was simply being flooded with emails that I tended just to skim through and would end up wasting an hour or more going through… this process fooled my brain into thinking that I'd got 'work' done by reading/skimming/deleting/occasionally forwarding these emails - it seemed like 'productivity'. The problem, of course, was that the vast majority of these emails was just spam.”
Love this point. I also fell into the same productivity deception trap. How bout all of you? Like I wrote last time, unsubscribe from everything not worth your time.
And Angela T has started doing The Emotions Diary. She asked, “Why do I obsess over exes even decades later?” and here’s what T.E.D. had to say…
“You're the girl who was never enough. But you know you are now. Have compassion for that girl who didn’t know her worth. She was doing her best. But this woman you are today is past that. And past needing an apology. Put your arm around your old you’s and give them the big hug they didn’t get back then.”
She said it was like a weight came off her shoulders she’s been carrying for years. I’m so thrilled The Emotions Diary is working for other folks too. Maybe you should give it a try this week. I’ll post my next one Thursday. Do one before then and let’s compare notes.
Undividing is my mission. So write to me with anything, ask me anything. I’m here for it.
Onto undividing the world…
Undividing Our World: The Great Purple Middle
I hadn’t planned on writing about the US election again this week. I’m sure everyone’s tired of reading about it and wants to get on with it, whoever they voted for. Whether that’s celebrating, or stoically carrying on. Or trying to figure out how to get out of bed.
But I’ve been so struck this week by the things I’ve read, it warranted looking at the first week post-election from an Undividing POV.
And again, I am writing about the US, but it’s valid everywhere. Like here in Germany where the coalition government is falling apart and we’re facing new elections.
Here is something I have always found curious about the reporting of US elections. Before the result, it’s like supporters of two different sports teams yelling at each other from opposite sides of the field—vitriol, anger, accusations and not much room for anything else.
Then the moment the result is announced, suddenly it’s all quiet. Eerily so. Everyone is introspective and now in listening mode, trying to figure out what happened. And this is actually when some of the best reporting on the nation is done. You can’t argue with the what anymore, now it’s all about the why.
The biggest takeout for me was the surprise, on the left and right, with the swing to red in many states even where the Democrats won. But should it have been a surprise?
Let’s dive into the purple in-between.
Is there more purple than red and blue?
In the red and blue fight, no one was listening to all the people in between. Because these purple folks did it without saying a word.
I fully acknowledge that these articles are all from the NY Times - one single paywalled source.
That said, several quotes from real folks in these articles I found very telling. I’m not endorsing any, I’m just saying they show something that demands our attention.
In Shawn Hubler’s piece, “Harris Asked Voters to Protect Democracy. Here’s Why It Didn’t Land,” I found myself captured by this quote:
“Let’s just say I’ve held my nose and voted a couple of times,” said Tad Fogel, 80, a retiree and unaffiliated voter in Hendersonville, N.C., who said he voted for Mr. Trump because he agreed with his positions on illegal immigration and the economy.
“…held my nose…” wow, what a way to put that.
There’s a lot of people who don’t like Trump, or Harris either, and don’t agree with many things they stand for. But, and this is the big but, for the one thing that was incredibly important to them, the opposing candidate got their vote.
In Miriam Jordan’s “Voters Were Fed Up Over Immigration. They Voted for Trump”, I was intrigued by this woman’s quote, who was talking about immigration in the previous paragraph:
“I was so angry, just so angry, that a lot of the Democratic Party wouldn’t say it was a crisis, let alone propose anything to deal with it,” said Sonya Duffy, 53, a Democrat who lives in New York City. She said that she voted for Ms. Harris because reproductive rights were her overriding issue.
Sonya voted for her usual party, but hated them for it.
I lost the link somewhere in my notes sadly, but there was another woman who told a reporter that she’s a Democrat, but “quietly” voted for Trump. The trans issues whipped up by the Republicans and what that would mean for her teenage daughter’s sports career mattered more to her than reproductive rights.
“Quietly” was the part that stayed with me. She obviously told no-one she knew and asked not to be named.
David Brooks wrote in his article, “Voters to Elites: Do You See Me Now?” a really pithy paragraph, after noting his own Democratic allegiance:
“The rest of us need to look at this result with humility. American voters are not always wise, but they are generally sensible, and they have something to teach us.”
I think the lesson they’re teaching here is this: they exist.
It’s too easy to say that one side are all MAGA hat, gun toter extremists and the other are liberal, out of touch elitists. Some are. But there’s a lot more folks in the middle somewhere.
People who feel there is nowhere for them to say what they feel. Until they get to a ballot box.
Democracy doesn’t die in the darkness - it dies in the lack of conversation
So here was a big learning I had from my divorce that I wrote about in How To Burn A Rainbow. And I’m sure you can recall an episode in your own life that’s in a similar vein.
From almost the moment that my divorce began, I stopped talking to my ex-husband. All communication was filtered through two layers of lawyers. I only listened to my cheerleaders because it was important for me to be right. My very survival hinged on it, I thought.
In a way, it was a microcosm of any kind of public debate nowadays.
And the longer we went without speaking and just acted out all our hatred towards each other through any legal swipe we could make, the more the other person became a two dimensional villain twirling their moustache. He became the embodiment of evil to me.
Was he though?
What I didn’t realise until much later, in the calm afterwards, was how I had made things much worse, how my insistence on my own innocence, and rightness, blinded me to the fact that I’d created so much of the animosity between us.
If we had just been talking to each other, I’m sure now that the end result would have been different. Maybe not in the split of assets. But maybe more agreeable. We sure would have spent a lot less on lawyers and all the grievances that caused.
You’ve probably had the same happen to you in a failing personal or professional relationship. Only to discover later you had no context for why they did what they did—which you only discovered in a conversation.
So from that micro, to the national macro.
It’s time to talk to each other again. But we can start by listening.
I think there’s a lot of people in the middle who silently did what they had to do. But would rather have been able to voice their thoughts. That’s a group worth building bridges with I think. So how to start?
With some non-combative listening.
Follow people who have different political views to you on social, or here on Substack.
This was my first step. It’s odd and jarring to see that in my feed. But I’m finding I already am starting to have an awareness for that POV, and the nuances in it. Not to approve it, not to change it, but just to read the conversation. It’s an easy first step.
I’ll say also that Substack is built for discussion, it’s easier to find those voices here than on the other platforms, in my opinion.
Listen to a podcast of someone whose views you don’t totally align with.
Again, there’s the extremes and there’s the purple.
Google around, find one you think you can start with, and see what you learn.
I would love to know what you find out. Please write to me if you start this. Or want to and can’t. I’m here to help. And would love to report back any success stories to the Undividing newsletter.
I wondered even about using my reach on LinkedIn to gather something I’ll call The Purple List—podcasts, substacks, writers, people from across the spectrum so that you can easier find someone out of your bubble to listen to. Let me know below.
I’ll leave you with one more thought from David Brook’s article:
… in chaos there’s opportunity for a new society and a new response to… political, economic and psychological assault. These are the times that try people’s souls, and we’ll see what we are made of.
I want to be fully in the chaos and with folks who want a way out that we find together, even if we sit on different sides of an issue. I’ll walk with them anywhere. And talk while we go.
Undividing Ourselves: Start Your New Year’s Resolutions Now
In a world where Halloween stuff starts appearing on our shelves in September, and Xmas begins in October, I’m going to propose that your 2025 could kick into gear now.
My resolutions tend to go like this. I make the list. I’m great for the first week of Jan. I fail at one resolution, then think, what’s the point? And throw the whole list out by week two.
I brand myself a failure, go through a week of self loathing, and then find I’m too busy to think about any of it till mid year. All my internal divisions of who I want to be, and who I think I’m trapped being, never resolve.
So I’m trying something new out. Not doing it all cold turkey. And adjusting it on the way if needed.
Here’s two from my list. I’m starting a slow wind down on both and experimenting with what works. I may not even hit 100% on them in 2025, but I know I’ll be on my way.
Quitting alcohol for 2025
I’m of an age where I can’t predict how it affects me, hangovers last for two days, and my sleep is more important to me.
I’m starting with a two drink limit in Nov. One in Dec.
I’ve started winding it down so that by NYE I’ll be a “one and done” when I have a glass in my hand. Then “none for none” in 2025.
Bed at 10:30. Up at 6:30.
I’m not managing it every day. But if I can do it twice a week in November and four in December, I think I’ll be in good shape.
Finding already that Netflix is the biggest stumbling block.
I’m better when I leave my phone in the lounge room and keep a book by the bed instead. Planning to buy an alarm clock.
Hope this inspires you to think about what you want to undivide in yourself for 2025, and starting the steps now.
Undividing Extra: For Good Code
Since I joined Substack, I find I spend a lot less time on IG. But one person I love seeing there who always makes me feel smarter is For Good Code aka Abdourrahman Bouhmaida.
Here’s just three topics he covered this week.
He’s constantly posting about all kinds of tech/work/life stuff in ways that are useful to non-tech folks like myself. And things I would totally have missed without him. I’ve actually learned more about Word through him than in all my years of using the program.
ABI has always got the good vibes and the good knowledge to share. Hope you all enjoy him.
Purple people, New Year’s Resolutions now, and some good tech vibes for all of us.
Big undividing hugs to you all,
Karl
And if you’d like a copy of How To Burn A Rainbow, you can pick one up from Jeff at the US Amazon store (where it’s still in the top 100 LGBTQ+ biographies!) or from Ru Paul’s Allstora who now ship internationally.
