I’m 76 and just joined a couple of apps, looking for friends after my husband died. I am so glad to have read this amazing article. Going to ditch them! Thank you 😊
Now I think I’ll get a couple of people together and we’ll start some ‘getting to know you’ meet-ups
Getting together over common interests is such a good way to go. There's no pressure that it's supposed to be friends (or romance like on the apps) it's just people doing stuff they like together. with low stakes like that, everyone feels freer to be themselves and that's where the great stuff comes from. Georgia, I hope all goes well there on your new chapter.
A 80 yo friend of mine got married a couple of years ago to a man she met on some elderly dating app. They are great together. Don’t know why it worked so well.
"Never underestimate the power of body language, and the chemical and pheromonal connections we make that are invisible to us. And to dating apps."
This is huge. People don't realize how important that 'sixth sense' is that you get when you meet someone physically. It can sometimes tell you a lot more than what comes out of their mouth.
Absolutely. We've all had that moment of meeting someone the first time and for some reason, this person is connecting on all these levels with us. Only real life can do that.
For sure Tara. I was was surprised too to see it making a comeback. But I guess it's like all things, we fall in love with new ways of doing things. But when they don't work, we go back to the things that always have.
This was a great read, thank you. Inspired me to leave my first comment on Substack, which I have no idea what I am doing with yet. Here from reading your fantastic book. 😊
I made a connection via app for the first time and have found it interesting, and fun, and also frustrating, and confusing to navigate. Feeling tempted to cut and run because I'm not getting the communication level I would like, but gonna stick it out for now because I think good connections with compatible people are just difficult to make no matter the medium.
Everyone wears masks with each other at first, to some extent, whether IRL or online, in dating or in social settings. I try for vulnerability but I know that even that can turn into a mask of sorts. I see how I have even worn a version of the villain mask, blocking people when their answers got red or yellow flaggy. I suppose it's a mask of imperviousness and protection when I'm just trying to hide my soft underbelly.
Give it a whirl and see where it goes. Like I wrote, I had years of unsuccessful dating on the apps and then met my partner there almost by accident. But I'm all for the IRL resurgence. We're in the transition and somewhere in between. hope you find a good balance.
I met my husband 13 years ago on an online dating app. We were both very frustrated and ready to quit the app because of repeated bad experiences when we met. Neither of us had any hope of finding a match but after a few conversations decided to meet. We lived 1000 miles apart so I (stupidly) agreed to fly to his location. Luckily we immediately hit it off, mainly because we were both who we said we were and presented no unpleasant surprises. After 8 months we got married and remained so happily until his untimely death nine years later. For us, if it hadn't been for the app we would have never met.
I realize our experience is probably not the norm, that the old adage "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince" is probably more true. I would not however resort to online dating again.
Hello Karl. I quit thinking dating of any kind made sense when I stumbled into the great love of my life years ago. It was a God moment. I had nothing to do with it. He became my friend first. Someone I could trust absolutely. Then I learned to revel in the sense of ease and comfort that happened because we connected on so many levels. We never made it to the fireworks phase because he died first but even if we had, that was never the point of us. I don’t believe in dating at all. It’s a social construct designed to trick people into thinking the point is sex. Sex is great but it’s often overrated. Also ephemeral. But connection - heart connection- that never ends. Try courting. I think it might get you where you want to be more effectively.
Thanks for your article. Very thought provoking (in line with my own of course) I spend a lot of time on Zoom with various groups and individuals It works if we already have an irl connection. But so much better, highly nuanced, textured, and more productive and rewarding in person.
Great to hear your personal experiences. I got together with my life partner in 1976 when i was 30. So very different experiences in “dating”.
I’m 76 and just joined a couple of apps, looking for friends after my husband died. I am so glad to have read this amazing article. Going to ditch them! Thank you 😊
Now I think I’ll get a couple of people together and we’ll start some ‘getting to know you’ meet-ups
Getting together over common interests is such a good way to go. There's no pressure that it's supposed to be friends (or romance like on the apps) it's just people doing stuff they like together. with low stakes like that, everyone feels freer to be themselves and that's where the great stuff comes from. Georgia, I hope all goes well there on your new chapter.
A 80 yo friend of mine got married a couple of years ago to a man she met on some elderly dating app. They are great together. Don’t know why it worked so well.
"Never underestimate the power of body language, and the chemical and pheromonal connections we make that are invisible to us. And to dating apps."
This is huge. People don't realize how important that 'sixth sense' is that you get when you meet someone physically. It can sometimes tell you a lot more than what comes out of their mouth.
Absolutely. We've all had that moment of meeting someone the first time and for some reason, this person is connecting on all these levels with us. Only real life can do that.
Fantastic and thought provoking article, Karl! Thank you
Thank you Robert, glad you enjoyed the read.
Thanks for this! So amazing about those studies and how slow dating is trending. Love to see unhealthy trends change to healthy ones.😊
For sure Tara. I was was surprised too to see it making a comeback. But I guess it's like all things, we fall in love with new ways of doing things. But when they don't work, we go back to the things that always have.
This was a great read, thank you. Inspired me to leave my first comment on Substack, which I have no idea what I am doing with yet. Here from reading your fantastic book. 😊
I made a connection via app for the first time and have found it interesting, and fun, and also frustrating, and confusing to navigate. Feeling tempted to cut and run because I'm not getting the communication level I would like, but gonna stick it out for now because I think good connections with compatible people are just difficult to make no matter the medium.
Everyone wears masks with each other at first, to some extent, whether IRL or online, in dating or in social settings. I try for vulnerability but I know that even that can turn into a mask of sorts. I see how I have even worn a version of the villain mask, blocking people when their answers got red or yellow flaggy. I suppose it's a mask of imperviousness and protection when I'm just trying to hide my soft underbelly.
Food for thought.
Oh and thank you for making me your first comment receiver in a post! Muchly appreciated.
Give it a whirl and see where it goes. Like I wrote, I had years of unsuccessful dating on the apps and then met my partner there almost by accident. But I'm all for the IRL resurgence. We're in the transition and somewhere in between. hope you find a good balance.
Fabulous read & really insightful! Thanks for the read 😎
My pleasure Valerie, thank you for reading. Means a lot.
Most of all our own!🙏🏼 when i fully accepted all the Vilian roles I’ve played it was total freedom.❤️
For me too. It gives you so much compassion for others when you realise you've done the same.
I met my husband 13 years ago on an online dating app. We were both very frustrated and ready to quit the app because of repeated bad experiences when we met. Neither of us had any hope of finding a match but after a few conversations decided to meet. We lived 1000 miles apart so I (stupidly) agreed to fly to his location. Luckily we immediately hit it off, mainly because we were both who we said we were and presented no unpleasant surprises. After 8 months we got married and remained so happily until his untimely death nine years later. For us, if it hadn't been for the app we would have never met.
I realize our experience is probably not the norm, that the old adage "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince" is probably more true. I would not however resort to online dating again.
Hello Karl. I quit thinking dating of any kind made sense when I stumbled into the great love of my life years ago. It was a God moment. I had nothing to do with it. He became my friend first. Someone I could trust absolutely. Then I learned to revel in the sense of ease and comfort that happened because we connected on so many levels. We never made it to the fireworks phase because he died first but even if we had, that was never the point of us. I don’t believe in dating at all. It’s a social construct designed to trick people into thinking the point is sex. Sex is great but it’s often overrated. Also ephemeral. But connection - heart connection- that never ends. Try courting. I think it might get you where you want to be more effectively.
Thanks for your article. Very thought provoking (in line with my own of course) I spend a lot of time on Zoom with various groups and individuals It works if we already have an irl connection. But so much better, highly nuanced, textured, and more productive and rewarding in person.
Great to hear your personal experiences. I got together with my life partner in 1976 when i was 30. So very different experiences in “dating”.
I love your title “Undividing”. We need it.