Ghosting: Why We Really Do It And How To Stop - Undividing #27

Welcome to Undividing where we are reconnecting a divided world

Last week’s Emotions Diary Live

Hey there all,

First up, The Emotions Diary Live last Wednesday was a blast. We talked about T.E.D., where it came from, when I first started using it, the four steps and how to go deeper into the what, ask, wait, and answer. And of course the biggest question; who’s the one who answers?

You can watch that live here.

I also share how T.E.D. changed my life. It let me understand who I am, it explained me to me, and it made me realise that I was enough. The video gets really personal. I get a little emotional in one part. But that’s the beauty of the Karl I found by doing The Emotions Diary; I like him for all his wonderful flaws and feels.

I’m planning to make these a part of the paid tier from Wednesday 18th June, so come and check out the free ones and see if it’s something you’d like to do every week with me.

Wednesdays / 8-9 pm Berlin / 7-8pm UK / 2-3pm NYC / 11am -12 noon LA

The next one (and last free one) is on Wednesday 4th June - AMA Undividing - bring all your questions about conflicts in your life, divisions you see around us, and what we can all do about it.

Wednesday 4th June - AMA Undividing (from Cagliari in Sardinia)

Undividing on Holidays till 17th June

I’ll still be posting while I’m away. But I’ll be reposting ones from back when I was first doing Undividing. The topics are still pertinent for all of us, and not read by most of you. It’ll give me a chance to put my feet up for a couple of weeks.

But the Emotions Diary and the AMA Live on Wednesday June 4th are all still on. And I’ll be back renewed and refreshed to dive into Undividing again mid June.

This week’s Undividing

This week we’re going to dive into ghosting.

I was ghosted hard by an old friend. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what happened. But I’ve also been pretending for a while that I didn’t know she had ghosted me, because I didn’t want to believe it.

Just when I thought I should reach out again and ask her out for coffee or a dinner to get together and clear the air, I saw that on IG she had moved back to her home country. Nearly six months ago. I didn’t get an invite to the going away. I didn’t know she’d gone.

Feeling sucker-punched, I left her a long catch up message. Mentioning everything except the ghosting part but mostly how much I missed her. She was online. I saw her read it, the three dots rippled on the screen. Then disappeared.

Then rippled again. Then a heart emoji on my message. Then nothing. After licking my wounds for a week I unfollowed her and deleted our conversations.

It hurt. A lot. It still does. Because it’s the not knowing. Did I offend her? Did she think I disappeared first? But it also made me think about how I must have done this to other people as well when I’ve ghosted them.

I started to look at why I had ghosted folks. Scrolling back through a bunch of text messages to see where I’d left people on read. Or been left on read. Lots of unresolved emotions came up. And pretty soon it turned into this week’s post.

Ghosting isn’t just a dating thing. It’s a modern thing. It happens in friendships, work relationships, even families. A slow fade. A sudden silence. A missing reply that turns into a permanent one.

And yes, it hurts. But ghosting isn’t a one-sided cruelty. When we all do it, it’s a collective behavior. A cultural symptom. A signal that something in how we relate to each other is breaking down.

We know it’s wrong too. I’ll tell a story about getting ghosted at the top of my lungs. But whisper another story when it’s me doing the ghosting.

So this week is an attempt to understand. Why do we ghost? Why is it easier to vanish than to disappoint? And what happens to a culture when vanishing becomes the norm? And how do we undivide it?

So, let’s get undividing!

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Ghosting didn’t start with Tinder

It started with a printed card.

Victorians used "not-at-home" calling cards deliver to the front door by their staff to dodge unwanted visitors. Feudal Japan also had a similar system. Across the world in our collective histories, if we had the means to avoid, we were doing it.

I had a pen friend when I was in high school. For younger readers, that’s when a service paired you up with someone your age in another country, and you’d write to each other with great gusto and mail those missives off. Only to be told by a friend that that wasn’t cool. And that killed that.

Then I was there for ghosting’s next big technological breakthrough: the 1980s answering machine. Oh the newfound joys of screening people without any consequence. And later blaming the machine or the family members or roommates who “must have wiped it. Sorry.”

Then in 1998 I received my first text on my Nokia. Sent one back. Never got a reply. The avoidance game just accelerated from there. Today our text-based lives let us disappear mid-conversation never to reappear.

I remember a whole episode of Sex And The City where Carrie got dumped via post it note. Shocking in its day. Now that would almost good manners. At least she got a message.

But the word “ghosting” only entered popular use in the early 2010s. First seen in dating culture with the advent of dating apps. Then suddenly, ghosting was everywhere. Friendships. Job interviews. Group chats that quietly die.

This is the most dangerous part of the evolution of ghosting. We named it. And when you name something, it’s now acceptable. Now it’s an option.

It became a breakup style, a communication strategy, an escape hatch we all quietly agreed not to talk about.

My six top reasons why I ghost

I used the Emotions Diary to delve into my ghosting and find out why I do it. So this is based on a study of one. But the list feels universal.

1. Avoiding discomfort - a guy who got too close, too fast in my single days. Our thing was in German. So maybe my fluency was a factor. But he seemed weirdly intense so I disappeared.

2. Overwhelm and guilt – I meant to reply, got distracted. Forgot. Then when I went back to respond later, I felt like I’d left it too long. Then I felt guilty and like I’d let them down.

3. Fear of conflict – I was worried about how they’d react. Didn’t have the brain space for a text meltdown from them. So I didn’t risk it.

4. Lack of capacity – one happened during a time when my father and brother were both ill. I saw the text and it was a friend I’d had a fight with, I thought I can’t deal with this right now, then ran into him in a bar six months later. Long story short, he read me hard.

5. Digital dehumanization – I’ve not messaged guys back on apps because I felt like I didn’t owe them anything. They were just profile pics. It is shocking to run into them in real life, like oh, you’re actually a real human. And I was ashamed of myself.

6. Being the “nice guy” – I’ve not texted back because I couldn’t think of a nice way to do it. Or that it would be seen as not nice if I did. But doing nothing of course is the opposite of being a nice person.

None of this excuses ghosting. But it does explain it.

And if you’re honest you’ve probably got a similar list to mine. Which tells us that ghosting is more about the ghoster’s state than the ghostee’s worth.

Yes, it’s bad manners; my Grandmother would be horrified. But ghosting is about the emotional coping strategies of a culture trained to avoid discomfort. And tech makes that avoidance frictionless.

But here’s the point that I arrived at about my own ghosting behaviour. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that we are supposed to care about so much these days, all the time, that we just can’t hold the weight of caring about this person and this incident as well.

And it’s just so easy to disappear.

What does ghosting cost us?

It’s costing us our culture. Let’s run the numbers and the science.

For the person ghosted there’s a low-grade death without a funeral and closure. Self-doubt and lots of rumination. Not to mention the obsessive what-ifs which can be more damaging than just a simple rejection.

You know that because you’ve felt it too.

Research backs it up: Being ghosted leads to confusion, self-doubt, and loneliness. These effects can be particularly pronounced among young adults, with studies showing that between 45% to 72% have been ghosted, leading to increased feelings of rejection and distress.

This lack of closure can also trigger past attachment traumas, further impacting someone's emotional well-being. (Newport Institute)

And in the professional world being ghosted by potential employers or clients can lead to feelings of exclusion and frustration, affecting one's confidence and sense of professional worth.

We’re creating a culture where there’s fewer people who know how to do endings well. And that is a collective leap towards more and more disconnection in society.

But this stat here from an article in Time for me pointed to the scariest change in our behaviour:

According to a 2023 survey conducted by Thriving Center for Psychology, 67% of those who had been ghosted had also ghosted other people, which points to a perpetual cycle where people who mean well turn into the very thing that is so upsetting to them. In fact, 84% of Millennial and Gen Z survey respondents say they had been ghosted.

We are becoming the problem.

And from this article in the Thriving Center of Psychology two points that speak to the above:

Firstly, tech has made it so easy to avoid folks that when we make the decision to ghost, we feel “relieved.” And second, because we are ghosted so often, we feel we have the right to do it to others.

We can call it emotional self-protection. But really, we’re just refusing to witness the results of our own decisions. So we’re actually ghosting our own emotions and abilities.

Ghosting is actually about avoiding ourselves

When we vanish, we're sidestepping our own discomfort, uncertainty, and vulnerability. Ghosting is a band-aid.

We don’t like who we are in difficult conversations.

But ironically, by ghosting others, we end up ghosting our growth, empathy, and courage. Ghosting erodes our trust in ourselves when we’re faced with complexity and confrontation, until we begin to believe we truly can't do it.

I think the deepest harm from ghosting isn't to those we leave behind, but to us.

We literally become less of ourselves. A ghost of who we could have been if we could have sat with the hard stuff for a few moments and sent back a message to someone.

How to exit with grace

Unfortunately, the only way to stop ghosting is to literally stop ghosting. Ugh.

One of the things that I struggle with when I want to be honest with folks, is that I don’t know what to say. So I wrote a list of the eight most common times I needed something to say instead of ghosting.

We have no control over how these are received. And what someone might say in return. Remember, you don’t have to justify why. But I feel better about myself when I try. Feel free to use these and to switch them up to your voice.

Even one line is better than silence. You don’t need the right words, just some.

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

1. After a first date (not feeling it)
Hey there, I had a great time with you, but I didn’t feel that spark. I wanted to be upfront about it—thanks again for the conversation.

2. When reconnecting feels too heavy
I’ve been meaning to respond, and honestly, I didn’t know how. Things have been intense lately. Just wanted to say I see your message and I’m sorry for going quiet.

3. Friendship that faded but deserves a gentle close
I’ve felt some distance between us and didn’t want to not say something about it. Or just disappear. Our friendship meant a lot, even if we’re in different places now. Thanks for everything.

4. Dating someone casually, but ready to end it
Hey there. I’ve enjoyed our time together, but I think it’s best we go our separate ways. I didn’t want to leave you wondering. Take care, and all the best to you.

5. When you just can’t take on more emotionally from a friend
I wish I could help you with this. But I’m maxed out emotionally myself. That’s where I’m at right now. Wanted to be honest so you don’t think I’m ignoring this or don’t care.

6. Professional contact you never followed up with
Thanks for reaching out, and my apologies for not getting back. I’ve been swamped. Priorities have shifted since you wrote and I won’t be able to move forward right now. I’ll get back to you if this starts going ahead again.

7. When a text thread just died
This thread deserves better than my radio silence. Life’s been chaotic, but I didn’t want to ghost you completely. Hope you’re okay. You’ve been on my mind.

8. If you ghosted and want to re-open with integrity
I owe you a message. I disappeared and that wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry—and I understand if you’re not up for picking this back up again.

All we need is some “micro-bravery”

We’re not supposed to carry on with everyone we’ve ever met. In fact, one of the downsides of being so connected these days, is that we feel an obligation to be keeping relationships alive with everyone we give our number or social handle too.

You’re not a villain for leaving, you’re a human. Who only has so much bandwidth in them.

But the flip side is also about accepting an honest goodbye when someone has not ghosted you, but ended it. It’s not cruelty, it’s kindness. Say thanks, it took a lot for them to send that.

If we can start to do this with each other, we start to normalise endings in adult ways.

Both of these require us to brave for a moment. To send a message. And to receive it. But just a micro-bravery. A moment of discomfort. Long term, the benefits are better to be in conversation and present enough to say goodbye.

The Great Unghosting

So here’s what I’m going to do this week.

I’m going to say farewell to my friend from the intro who’s ghosted me. No blame. Just to thank them from the friendship that we had. And to expect no reply. I think this will make me feel better about it.

And there’s someone else I ghosted that I owe an apology to. So I’m going to send them a message. Someone I was seeing a bit of when I met my partner Erik. And who I left on read and feel bad about every time they come to mind.

I’ll let you know how both of those go.

Photo by Tandem X Visuals on Unsplash

Is there anyone you need to unghost this week who deserved a goodbye? Anyone who’s ghosted you that you want to say goodbye to?

I’m also inspired to draw a line in the sand and say, no more ghosting going ahead. I’d like my future to not be haunted by me trying to slip out of my past unnoticed and unaccountable for.

To wrap up…

We all disappear sometimes. Not because we’re heartless but because we’re human, and tired, and scared of saying the wrong thing. But the truth is, we don’t need perfect words. We just need real ones.

A short message.

A kind ending.

A willingness to stay till the end, and even be the end if we have to.

Ghosting might be common, but it doesn’t have to be the culture. It’s our choice; presence over avoidance, clarity over confusion, courage over the easy exit.

It only takes a sentence to make someone feel seen. And create an ending that doesn’t leave you or them haunted.

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And that brings us to the end of Undividing #27.

Till Thursday when we do the next Emotions Diary, let’s move through this world undividing, and see what this planet can do.

Karl

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