Sometimes the situation dictates "ghosting" a person. I've been ghosted, but I realized my friend and I had moved in very different directions, and they didn't want to be bothered with saying so. I let them go and moved on. I have ghosted several people, a couple ex-boyfriends and a friend. In the case of my friend, I tried several times to gently let her know that I was concerned for her mental health but was met with a LOT of resistance. I had to ghost her for my own mental/emotional health as every conversation was her obsessing about her health (but she refused to do anything about it) and her stalking a celebrity (I'm serious about that). The ex-boyfriends were also for my mental/emotional health. One was for my actual physical health as well. I won't go into detail (that would be a whole post). Suffice it to say it was the last and best option.
Suzie. Sounds like you’re really clear about when to use it and when not. That’s good. For me the barometer is if I feel good that I’m not in contact with that person. When it doesn’t feel good, I have to dig deeper and see what’s under that and what I need to do. Emotions Diary usually lights the way for me.
Maybe I’m incorrect, but I think of ghosting as a deliberate disconnect, not a mutual falling off which is natural. That kind of ghosting really hurts, and by its nature is unresolved, so hard not to ruminate on. I’m hurting a lot now via ghosting and I can’t resolve it.
I hear you Mad. I feel the same way over my friend. If it feels right for you to reach out and ask, try to clear the air, you could try that. Or else accept that they’re gone and make peace. I sent my friend an “I don’t know what happened but hope I didn’t offend” and thanked her for the friendship. She made me the writer I am. Not expecting a reply. Still struggling myself though.
Even if it is a deliberate disconnect, never assume it's your fault. You have no idea what's going through the other person's mind. Some people find just simply getting to know someone scary and uncomfortable. I feel you tho.
I've definitely experienced this, and I love your perspective. It's good for our own mental health to not take ghosting personally. I've also had times where friends with depression isolate themselves, no matter how often I reach out. It's challenging, but at the end of the day it's nobody's job to fix someone. Thank you for writing another incredibly helpful post!
You’re welcome Sedona. I’m glad this landed for you. I also have friends who isolate. I leave them be but let them know I’m round. Occasional check in too till they reemerge.
Oh my goodness, this is so helpful! I agree 100% that we should stop ghosting--having been on the receiving end, I refuse to do it to others even when it's painful, and I'm very grateful for your list of graceful endings. Well done.
This is so interesting. I’ve been reflecting that the fact that there is no rules to texting and that conversations start and end without timeframes. If you talk on the phone you generally say you have to run and say goodbye. Many don’t end conversations and it feels like ghosting. I make intention to close conversations if I can . That said there is a big factor here and that’s time- you mention it but we all have different relationship with it and what’s reasonable for responses. Attachment theory is all wrapped up in this. That said if you really don’t want to continue communication I think we make judgment calls based on length of engagement , maybe level of drain or toxicity we experience by engaging and ghosting seems justified. I think over all it’s part of our fast food , immediate gratification and short attention span culture to not offer ourselves and others patience and clarity in communications. I hope we can get it back, but it does start with us and the courage to speak without expectation of a a response or fear of rejection.
Amie! I love your analysis here. And you’re spot on about that too. I often think that there’s no phone finish in texting. It’s weird that way. When I went back through my texts last week after this post, I found a lot of them were like this. No one “actively ghosting” per se, but just a lot of drop offs that feel like their own odd death. Your way of describing the equation of energy and attachment theory has given me more to think about on this topic too. Thanks for all of this.
This is a lovely article. Ghosting is such a horrible modern phenomenon though we all do it. You are right when you articulate the reason behind it: "It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that we are supposed to care about so much these days, all the time, that we just can’t hold the weight of caring about this person and this incident as well." It is because of all the micro-relationships spawning all the time on social media. In days gone by a circle of friends would fit into your living room. You could cope with the ups and downs and emotional requirements - but now our circles are so huge (and include the friend of a friend who is dying of cancer and who told you this via her FB feed...) it is impossible to have the bandwidth to be there for everyone all the time. But you are so right when you say we can do better. We can. It only takes a few kind words. I'm going to try.
I was a Major ghost on the level of Ghostbuster’sSlimer or Scooge’s Marley. Lost so many friends over my own fear of vulnerability and judgement. I am back to being fully embodied but my ghosting days still haunt me. I’m trying to get back some of my losses but it’s way harder than just being myself from the start. Thanks for the insights.
I think ghosting is a result of the fact that there so much more to occupy our time that does not involve getting together with others. Used to be you would just have a big party, a neighborhood picnic, or even just going to the shopping mall and reconnect with a lot of people you would have otherwise ghosted.
Sometimes the situation dictates "ghosting" a person. I've been ghosted, but I realized my friend and I had moved in very different directions, and they didn't want to be bothered with saying so. I let them go and moved on. I have ghosted several people, a couple ex-boyfriends and a friend. In the case of my friend, I tried several times to gently let her know that I was concerned for her mental health but was met with a LOT of resistance. I had to ghost her for my own mental/emotional health as every conversation was her obsessing about her health (but she refused to do anything about it) and her stalking a celebrity (I'm serious about that). The ex-boyfriends were also for my mental/emotional health. One was for my actual physical health as well. I won't go into detail (that would be a whole post). Suffice it to say it was the last and best option.
Suzie. Sounds like you’re really clear about when to use it and when not. That’s good. For me the barometer is if I feel good that I’m not in contact with that person. When it doesn’t feel good, I have to dig deeper and see what’s under that and what I need to do. Emotions Diary usually lights the way for me.
Maybe I’m incorrect, but I think of ghosting as a deliberate disconnect, not a mutual falling off which is natural. That kind of ghosting really hurts, and by its nature is unresolved, so hard not to ruminate on. I’m hurting a lot now via ghosting and I can’t resolve it.
I hear you Mad. I feel the same way over my friend. If it feels right for you to reach out and ask, try to clear the air, you could try that. Or else accept that they’re gone and make peace. I sent my friend an “I don’t know what happened but hope I didn’t offend” and thanked her for the friendship. She made me the writer I am. Not expecting a reply. Still struggling myself though.
But like @sedona said, it’s about them. We can’t know what’s going on in their world and heads.
I hope you can find peace about it.
well the messages are off to those two. Let’s see… But I feel a lot more peace for having sent them.
Even if it is a deliberate disconnect, never assume it's your fault. You have no idea what's going through the other person's mind. Some people find just simply getting to know someone scary and uncomfortable. I feel you tho.
I've definitely experienced this, and I love your perspective. It's good for our own mental health to not take ghosting personally. I've also had times where friends with depression isolate themselves, no matter how often I reach out. It's challenging, but at the end of the day it's nobody's job to fix someone. Thank you for writing another incredibly helpful post!
You’re welcome Sedona. I’m glad this landed for you. I also have friends who isolate. I leave them be but let them know I’m round. Occasional check in too till they reemerge.
That's a good way to handle it, I totally agree!
Thanks Sedona!
Oh my goodness, this is so helpful! I agree 100% that we should stop ghosting--having been on the receiving end, I refuse to do it to others even when it's painful, and I'm very grateful for your list of graceful endings. Well done.
So welcome Erica. Use them when you need them.
Thank you..this piece brought me some self reflection, and I appreciate the 8 responses you gave- super helpful!
You’re welcome! Always there when you need them.
This is so interesting. I’ve been reflecting that the fact that there is no rules to texting and that conversations start and end without timeframes. If you talk on the phone you generally say you have to run and say goodbye. Many don’t end conversations and it feels like ghosting. I make intention to close conversations if I can . That said there is a big factor here and that’s time- you mention it but we all have different relationship with it and what’s reasonable for responses. Attachment theory is all wrapped up in this. That said if you really don’t want to continue communication I think we make judgment calls based on length of engagement , maybe level of drain or toxicity we experience by engaging and ghosting seems justified. I think over all it’s part of our fast food , immediate gratification and short attention span culture to not offer ourselves and others patience and clarity in communications. I hope we can get it back, but it does start with us and the courage to speak without expectation of a a response or fear of rejection.
Amie! I love your analysis here. And you’re spot on about that too. I often think that there’s no phone finish in texting. It’s weird that way. When I went back through my texts last week after this post, I found a lot of them were like this. No one “actively ghosting” per se, but just a lot of drop offs that feel like their own odd death. Your way of describing the equation of energy and attachment theory has given me more to think about on this topic too. Thanks for all of this.
This is a lovely article. Ghosting is such a horrible modern phenomenon though we all do it. You are right when you articulate the reason behind it: "It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that we are supposed to care about so much these days, all the time, that we just can’t hold the weight of caring about this person and this incident as well." It is because of all the micro-relationships spawning all the time on social media. In days gone by a circle of friends would fit into your living room. You could cope with the ups and downs and emotional requirements - but now our circles are so huge (and include the friend of a friend who is dying of cancer and who told you this via her FB feed...) it is impossible to have the bandwidth to be there for everyone all the time. But you are so right when you say we can do better. We can. It only takes a few kind words. I'm going to try.
I was a Major ghost on the level of Ghostbuster’sSlimer or Scooge’s Marley. Lost so many friends over my own fear of vulnerability and judgement. I am back to being fully embodied but my ghosting days still haunt me. I’m trying to get back some of my losses but it’s way harder than just being myself from the start. Thanks for the insights.
I think ghosting is a result of the fact that there so much more to occupy our time that does not involve getting together with others. Used to be you would just have a big party, a neighborhood picnic, or even just going to the shopping mall and reconnect with a lot of people you would have otherwise ghosted.
Loved micro-bravery.